hilarious tinder profiles you'll see in 7 different american cities
Updated: Jun 17, 2022
There’s a singular pleasure of getting to know the vibe and culture of a new place simply by swiping through Tinder. People are the pulse of a city, and with access to the tinder-scape, you can put your finger on the pulse of the tropes, trends, values, and idiosyncrasies of a locale before you’ve even figured out the wifi at your rustic eco cabin Airbnb. You’ll find your standard fare of travel fanatic adrenaline junkies who are “kind of nerdy” and love tacos, puppies, adventures, and The Office, from sea to shining sea. But every city has their own unique Tinder personality.
If you’re not wading around in the ocean with a red Solo cup in hand, are you even in Miami? In the sunshine city you’ll see a variety of nebulous job titles like “entrepreneur,” “partner at tech firm,” and “adventure capitalist,” which look suspiciously like a flowery euphemisms for “unemployed.” What a “promoter” does is equally unclear. But there will be no confusion over how much your date loves EDM, cars, and the gym.. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll swipe right on Pitbull. Conveniently, any sultry stranger who looks like just your type is from out of town and is leaving first thing tomorrow morning. Go Gators!
Dallas is home of the “low key homebody who still likes to have fun,” Love of faith, family, and good food are the price of entry in The Big D. If it isn’t a bewildered freshly-caught fish, the Tinder-ites of Dallas are likely cradling a guitar. Or a gun. If you like the “simple things in life” and you’re down to go see Florida Georgia Line next weekend, you’ll have no problem finding a date in Dallas. But if you don’t like sports, like really really like sports, you should probably just leave now.
Evidently Chicagoans have a real penchant for holding very large dogs as if they are small dogs. There’s probably some sort of deeper meaning to this, and it’s probably related to deep dish pizza. If not posing with an oversized pooch, you can bet your future Chicago flame will be holding court over a flight of Belgian beers. For every “NPR junkie” and “bluegrass enthusiast.” there’s a freewheeling heartthrob just looking for someone to rollerblade lakeshore with. But be careful how many comedians you match with, you never know the number of audiences the story of your Tinder date will reach. And do expect the occasional Liam Neeson meme in lieu of an actual profile.
Everyone, and I mean everyone in Seattle, is on a boat, on top of a mountain, at Gasworks Park, and having a good old guffaw at a brewery. It’s as if there’s some sort of unspoken photo circuit rite of passage that every newcomer completes on the one sunny day of the year. The newcomers are plenty, and the North Face hoodies abound. The intermittent Eddie Vedder reference rings out like a chime in a sea of oyster pictures. Did you know oysters are an aphrodisiac? Have you heard about the legal weed?
Is this a dating app or a casting call? The population of Los Angeles isn’t sure whether their looking for a date, promoting their newest single, collecting Instagram followers, or looking for fellow actor/model/photographers to “collaborate” with. In a cruel twist of fate, it’s always the people showcasing physical assets most prominently that take the time to express their exhaustion with superficial people. It’s enough to drive the occasional down-to-earth midwesterner who hates LA traffic and fakeness to honk their horn in outrage!
In San Francisco, you will know beyond the shadow of a doubt the exact the number of countries someone has been to, and the number of times they’ve been to Burning Man. You’ll also know the exact sequence of cities they’ve lived in, as communicated through a series of emojis, airport codes, and arrows, in a symbolic language as cryptic as bitcoin. Also bitcoin. Many many mentions of bitcoin. If cryptocurrency and jiu jitsu aren’t really your thing, you can always go rock climbing or hit the farmer’s market with your neighborhood “empathic dom.”
New York City
New York City is smorgasbord of profile types representing all five boroughs. In Brooklyn, your closest “plant parent” just wants to eat pancakes with you in the wee hours of the morning while listening to jazz and chatting theories of existence. The self-proclaimed “real New Yorkers,” Bronx wants to move from the apps directly to your DMs, and loves using the maple leaf emoji accompanied by the smoke cloud emoji. Queens is “not really that far if you take the 7 train.” Manhattan has enough time to get headshots taken in the Financial District, but not enough time for a relationship (but would love to take you out to drinks after work). And Staten Island is “just looking for a good time.”
Don’t say you haven't been warned.
Originally published on Tinder's editorial platform Swipe Life. View full article here.
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